These days, men who cheat come with such a heavy, emotional and negative connotation.
Cheating and infidelity involve lying. With all the negativity around cheating, people often times fear their partners having sex with someone else. But cheating and infidelity don’t always have to fall into the category of an unhealthy monogamous relationship. It really doesn’t have to be all about catching your partner red handed; betrayal, lying and sneaking around. Talking about men who cheat is like talking about He Who Shall Not Be Named. People are used to condemning the thought of their partners having sex with anyone other than their partner.
The truth is, cheating isn’t just in Hollywood and movies. It’s much more common than most people think. Whatever your definition of cheating is, it’s about time we loosen the tight grip of monogamy and stop judging others for their unconventional, sexual lifestyles.
You may be thinking, it’s not cheating if people are in open relationships, etc. But if cheating is happening so often in monogamous relationships, from as short as 2 months to as long as 30 years, is monogamy really the way to go for everyone? Keeping a relationship alive is a lot more than sending sexy texts to your partner every once in a while.
There are too many statistics out there about men who cheat.
And since society condemns these men who cheat, often times people lie about themselves or their partners cheating. If they aren’t telling their partner they’re cheating, why would they tell a random interviewer? Whatever the survey may be, they all come out with different results. Some say that more men are cheating. Some say that more women are cheating. Others say that most affairs begin at work and aren’t discovered by the other partner.
Either way, you might know at least 3 people affected by cheating. Most people treat cheating with immense shame because of its negative connotation. You know what they say, damned if you do and damned if you don’t. If you cheat, you ultimately betray your partner. And if your partner cheats, the people around you shame you for not being enough. It’s all too much pressure.
Relationship expert Esther Perel agrees. She told Cosmopolitan that “the judgmental nature with which people in this culture approach cheating is ultimately harmful to the people who’ve experienced it (which is pretty much everyone).” Couples can’t work on their relationship after infidelity if they are condemned to talk about it for fear that they’ll be shamed. We all need to be a little less judgey and a little more honest.
Why do people even cheat?
Psychologists and therapists all over are talking about why people cheat. The excuses and psychological reasons are endless: individual insecurity, unhappiness in the relationship, gender, religion. There are countless reasons. Most people think cheating is wrong. But a lot of people are doing it. Why is that?
Psychologist Albert Bandura coined the term “moral disengagement”. It explains the moral excuses people make to distort their sense of right and wrong when giving in to a temptation like infidelity. My partner isn’t good to me. If I don’t have this affair, chances are they’ll find someone else anyway. Monogamy isn’t for me. You’ll think of excuses to justify your actions.
Kelly Campbell Ph.D. told Psychology Today that people may cheat for individual reasons, relationship reasons, and situational reasons. Among them, situational does seem a bit more realistic. It is likely to cheat on someone because you work with a very attractive person everyday.
People cheat for a myriad of reasons. However, most of these articles outlining the psychology of cheating by the world’s top psychologists really conclude one thing. People simply cheat because they want to.
Therapist and clinical psychologist David J. Ley, Ph.D., outlined a story on Psychology Today of a client who was unhappy in her five-year marriage. She had been cheating on her husband on business trips with sometimes up to four men per trip. Ley said there were many reasons why his client was cheating. But, the main reason was that the male attention she received from cheating offered her a rush that she hadn’t received from her husband.
The truth is, cheating is complicated.
Every situation is immensely different. We can’t categorize everything as either morally bad or morally good. Lying to your partner is never a good thing. Honesty and communication are the cornerstones for a healthy relationship. But more importantly, if you want to have sex with other people while you’re in a relationship, you should also express your feelings with your partner.
This could be a sign that the two of you are simply meant for other people. It seems like most people would rather cheat than own up to what they’re feeling in reality. They could easily tell their partner from the get-go if they’re feeling an urge instead of making matters worse by sneaking around. Perhaps even you might be feeling the same urges as these men who cheat regularly. If so, you might want to take a hard look at your current relationship.
Do you think we need to loosen the grip on monogamy? Leave us your comments below!